Subject: Stirring
From: "Throckmorton" <t h r o c k m o r t o n @ o c t a 4 . n e t . a u>
Date: Sat, 4 Aug 2001 18:45:22 +0930

Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft.
In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to
fill out the warranty registration card below.
Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will
help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.

1.[_] Mr. [_] Mrs. [_] Ms. [_] Miss [_] Lt. [_] Gen. [_] Comrade [_]
Classified [_] Other
First Name: .....................................................
Initial: ........
Last Name......................................................
Password: .............................. (max. 8 char)
Code Name: ......................................................
Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ........... ...........

2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?
  [_] F-14 Tomcat
  [_] F-15 Eagle
  [_] F-16 Falcon
  [_] F-117A Stealth
  [_] Classified

3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): 19....... /....... /......

4. Serial Number: ...............................................

5. Please check where this product was purchased:
  [_] Received as gift / aid package
  [_] Catalogue / showroom
  [_] Independent arms broker
  [_] Mail order
  [_] Discount store
  [_] Government surplus
  [_] Classified

6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product
   you have just purchased:
  [_] Heard loud noise, looked up
  [_] Store display
  [_] Espionage
  [_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally
  [_] Political lobbying by manufacturer
  [_] Was attacked by one

7. Please check the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision
   to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:
  [_] Style / appearance
  [_] Speed / manoeuvrability
  [_] Price / value
  [_] Comfort / convenience
  [_] Kickback / bribe
  [_] Recommended by salesperson
  [_] McDonnell Douglas reputation
  [_] Advanced Weapons Systems
  [_] Backroom politics
  [_] Negative experience opposing one in combat

8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:
  [_] North America
  [_] Iraq
  [_] Iraq
  [_] Aircraft carrier
  [_] Iraq
  [_] Europe
  [_] Iraq
  [_] Middle East (not Iraq)
  [_] Iraq
  [_] Africa
  [_] Iraq
  [_] Asia / Far East
  [_] Iraq
  [_] Misc. Third World countries
  [_] Iraq
  [_] Classified
  [_] Iraq
  [_] Reunion

9. Please check the products that you currently own or intend to
   purchase in the near future:
  [_] Colour TV
  [_] VCR
  [_] ICBM
  [_] Killer Satellite
  [_] CD Player
  [_] Air-to-Air Missiles
  [_] Space Shuttle
  [_] Home Computer
  [_] Nuclear Weapon

10. How would you describe yourself or your organisation?
    (Check all that apply:)
  [_] Communist / Socialist
  [_] Terrorist
  [_] Crazed
  [_] Neutral
  [_] Democratic
  [_] Dictatorship
  [_] Corrupt
  [_] Primitive / Tribal

11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?
  [_] Deficit spending
  [_] Cash
  [_] Suitcases of cocaine
  [_] Oil revenues
  [_] Personal check
  [_] Credit card
  [_] Ransom money
  [_] Traveller's check

12. Your occupation:
  [_] Homemaker
  [_] Sales / marketing
  [_] Revolutionary
  [_] Clerical
  [_] Mercenary
  [_] Tyrant
  [_] Middle management
  [_] Eccentric billionaire
  [_] Defence Minister / General
  [_] Retired
  [_] Student
  [_] French speaking Architect with gammy leg

13. To help us understand our customers' lifestyles, please indicate the
    interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy
    participating on a regular basis:
  [_] Golf
  [_] Boating / sailing
  [_] Sabotage
  [_] Running / jogging
  [_] Running / guns
  [_] Propaganda / misinformation
  [_] Destabilisation / overthrow
  [_] Default on loans
  [_] Gardening
  [_] Architecture
  [_] Crafts
  [_] Black market / smuggling
  [_] Collectibles / collections
  [_] Watching sports on TV
  [_] Wasting time on CAD forums
  [_] Wines
  [_] Interrogation / torture
  [_] Household pets
  [_] Crushing rebellions
  [_] Espionage / reconnaissance
  [_] Fashion clothing
  [_] Writing to Australians (especially ones who play Catsplat)
  [_] Border disputes
  [_] Mutually Assured Destruction

Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire.  Your
answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell
Douglas serve you better in the future - as well as allowing you to 
receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments,
extremist groups, and mysterious consortia.  As a bonus for responding
to this survey, you will be registered to win  a brand new F-117A in
our Desert Thunder Sweepstakes! Comments or suggestions about our
fighter planes?

Please write to:
    McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION
    Marketing Department
    Military Aerospace Division

IMPORTANT:
This email is intended for the use of the individual addressee(s)
named above and may contain information that is confidential,
privileged or unsuitable for overly sensitive persons with low
self-esteem, no sense of humour or irrational religious beliefs.

If you are not the intended recipient, any dissemination, distribution
or copying of this email is not authorised (either explicitly or
implicitly) and constitutes an irritating social faux pas.  Unless the
word absquatulation has been used in its correct context somewhere
other than in this warning, it does not have any legal or grammatical
use and may be ignored.

No animals were harmed in the transmission of this email, although the
kelpie next door is living on borrowed time, let me tell you.  Those
of you with an overwhelming fear of the unknown will be gratified
tolearn that there is no hidden message revealed by reading this
warning backwards, so just ignore that Alert Notice from Microsoft.
However, by pouring a complete circle of salt around yourself and your
computer you can ensure that no harm befalls you and your pets.  If
you have received this email in error, please place it in a warm oven
for 40 minutes and add some nutmeg and egg whites. Whisk briefly and
let it stand for 2 hours before icing.

------ Forwarded Message
Date: Thu, 16 Aug 2001 10:02:01 -0500
  [ updated from version seen 2002.jan.17 ]
From: "[email-masked]" <[email-masked]>
 ---- fwd ----
Subject: Questionnaire

GOD'S TOTAL QUALITY MANAGEMENT QUESTIONNAIRE

God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage.
In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments
to answer the following questions:

1. How did you find out about your deity?
__ Newspaper
__ Bible
__ Torah
__ Television
__ Book of Mormon
__ Divine Inspiration
__ Dead Sea Scrolls
__ Near Death Experience
__ Near Life Experience
__ National Public Radio
__ Tabloid
__ Burning Shrubbery
__ Other (specify): _____________

2. Which model deity did you acquire?
__ Jehovah
__ Jesus
__ Krishna
__ Father, Son & Holy Ghost [Trinity Pak]
__ Zeus and entourage     [Olympus Pak]
__ Odin and entourage [Valhalla Pak]
__ Allah
__ Satan
__ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
__ God 1.0a (Hairy Thunderer)
__ God 1.0b (Cosmic Muffin)
__ None of the above, I was taken in by a false god

3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order
and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
__ Yes
__ No

If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here.  Please
indicate all that apply:
__ Not eternal
__ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire cosmos
__ Not omniscient
__ Not omnipotent
__ Permits sex outside of marriage
__ Prohibits sex outside of marriage
__ Makes mistakes
__ Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people
__ Makes or permits good things to happen to bad people
__ When beseeched, He doesn't stay beseeched
__ Requires burnt offerings
__ Requires virgin sacrifices
__ Plays dice with the universe

4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a deity?  Please
check all that apply:
__ Indoctrinated by parents
__ Needed a reason to live
__ Indoctrinated by society
__ Needed focus in whom to despise
__ Imaginary friend grew up
__ Hate to think for myself
__ Wanted to meet girls/boys
__ Fear of death
__ Wanted to piss off parents
__ Needed a day away from work
__ Desperate need for certainty
__ Like organ music
__ Need to feel morally superior
__ Thought Jerry Falwell was cool
__ Stuff was falling out of the sky
__ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it

5. Have you ever worshipped a deity before? If so, which false god were you
fooled by? Please check all that apply:
__ Baal
__ Cthulhu
__ The Almighty Dollar
__ Left Wing Liberalism
__ The Radical Right
__ Mushrooms
__ Beelzebub
__ Bill Gates
__ Lottery
__ Barney The Big Purple Dinosaur
__ The Great Pumpkin
__ The Sun
__ The Moon
__ Elvis
__ Other: ________________

6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to
God?  Please check all that apply:
__ Tarot
__ Lottery
__ Astrology
__ Crystals
__ Star Trek reruns
__ Fortune cookies
__ Ann Landers
__ Psychic Friends Network
__ Dianetics
__ Palmistry
__ Alcohol
__ Television
__ Bill Clinton
__ Amway
__ Insurance policies
__ America Online
__ Jimmy Swaggert
__ Wandering around a desert
__ Human Sacrifice
__ Barney T.B.P.D.
__ Other:_____________________

7. God attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles.
Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following
(1=unsatisfactory, 5 = excellent):

a. Disasters:
 1 2 3 4 5 flood
 1 2 3 4 5 famine
 1 2 3 4 5 earthquake
 1 2 3 4 5 war
 1 2 3 4 5 pestilence
 1 2 3 4 5 plague
 1 2 3 4 5 Spam
 1 2 3 4 5 AOLers
 1 2 3 4 5 the current president
 1 2 3 4 5 my last relationship

b. Miracles:
 1 2 3 4 5 rescues
 1 2 3 4 5 spontaneous remissions
 1 2 3 4 5 stars hovering over jerkwater towns
 1 2 3 4 5 crying statues
 1 2 3 4 5 water changing to wine
 1 2 3 4 5 walking on water
 1 2 3 4 5 getting any sex whatsoever
 1 2 3 4 5 VCRs that set their own clocks
 1 2 3 4 5 clear and competent statements by the President

8. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the
balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. 
Which would you prefer? (circle one)
a. More Divine Intervention
b. Less Divine Intervention
c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
d. It doesn't matter, the Rapture is imminent .. isn't it?

9. Please rate the following on a scale of 1 to 5
(1 unsatisfactory, 5 excellent):

 1 2 3 4 5  God's Courtesy
 1 2 3 4 5  answers to your prayers
 1 2 3 4 5  Are your spiritual needs being met?
 1 2 3 4 5  How are your shrubs doing?

10. From time to time God makes available the names and addresses of His
followers and devotees to selected divine personages who provide quality
services and perform intercessions in His behalf. Are you interested in a
compilation of listed offerings?

__ Yes, please deluge me with religious zealots for the benefit of my own
   mortal soul

__ No, I do not wish to be inundated by religious fanatics clamoring for my
   money

11. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the
quality of God's services?  (Attach an additional sheet if necessary)