Subject: Waaay OT: Qantas Qualms
From: [Allen McC.]
Date: Tue, 12 Feb 2002 20:33:06 -0500

All,
Passed on from my erstwhile brother-in-law, a 30-year GE aero-engineer.
(He was the major worldwide go-to guy for any 747 that has GE engines.).
AMc
P.S. God I love the Aussies....
A.

> Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of
> humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems,
> known as "squawks," submitted by QANTAS pilots and the solution
> recorded by maintenance engineers.
> (By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had a
>  fatal accident.).

> P in list below means: The problem logged by the pilot.
> S in the list below means:  The solution and action taken by the
>   engineers.

> P:  Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
> S:  Almost replaced left inside main tire.
>
> P:  Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
> S:  Autoland not installed on this aircraft
>
> P:  No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
> S:  No. 2 propeller seepage normal.  Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack
>     normal seepage.
>
> P:  Something loose in cockpit.
> S:  Something tightened in cockpit.
>
> P:  Dead bugs on windshield.
> S:  Live bugs on backorder.
>
> P:  Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces 200-fpm descent.
> S:  Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
>
> P:  Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
> S:  Evidence removed.
>
> P:  DME volume unbelievably loud.
> S:  DME volume set to more believable level.
>
> P:  Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick
> S:  That's what they're there for!
>
> P:  IFF inoperative.
> S:  IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
>
> P:  Suspected crack in windscreen.
> S:  Suspect you're right.
>
> P:  Number 3 engine missing.
> S:  After brief search, engine found on right wing.
>
> P:  Aircraft handles funny.
> S:  Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
>
> P:  Target radar hums.
> S:  Reprogrammed target radar with words.
>
> P:  Mouse in cockpit.
> S:  Cat installed
>

  [Seen in a variant 2yrs after initial email:]

> P:  Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds
>     like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
> S:  Took hammer away from midget.