Subject: Heavengate
From: [email-masked] (Rick Watkins)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny

Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose that God
had had an affair with a former worshiper.  The scandal was
begun when a 21 year old woman, known only as Mary, claimed that
she had given birth to God's "only son" last week in a barn in
the hamlet of Bethlehem.  Sources close to Mary claim that she
"had loved God for a long time," that she was constantly talking
about her relationship with God, and that she was "thrilled to
have had his child."  In a press conference this morning, God issued
a vehement denial, saying that "No sexual relationship existed"
and that "the facts of this story will come out in time, verily."

Independent counsel Kenneth Beazulbub immediately filed a brief
with the Justice department to expand his investigation to cover
questions of whether any commandments may have been broken, and
whether God had illegally funneled laundered money to his
illegitimate child through three foreign operatives identified
only as the "Wise Men".  Beazulbub has issued subpoenas to
several angels who are rumored to have acted as go-betweens in
the affair.  Critics have pointed out that these allegations
have little to do with the charges that Beazulbub was originally
appointed to investigate, that God had created large-scale
flooding in order to cover up evidence of a failed land deal.
In recent months, Beazulbub's investigation has already been
expanded to cover questions surrounding the large number of
locusts that plagued God's political opponents in the last
election, as well as to claims that the giveaway of a parcel of
public land in Promised County to a Jewish special interest
group was quid pro quo for political contributions.  Some
journalists have speculated that the destruction of the cities
of Sodom and Gommorah may have been to divert attention away
from God's political problems.

If these allegations prove to be true, this could be a huge blow
to God's career, much of which has been spent crusading for
stricter moral standards and harsher punishments for wrongdoers.
Known for his fiery oratory, God has sometimes been criticized
for his political theatrics, as when he introduced the bill he
styled "The Ten Commandments" by appearing as a burning
bush on the Senate floor.  Regardless of the outcome of the
investigation, however, it is unlikely that a sitting God can be
removed from power.  Most legal scholars are in agreement that
indicting God would constitute taking His name in vain.