Subject: Heavengate
From: [email-masked] (Rick Watkins)
Date: Sun, 9 Apr 2006 7:20:01 PDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny.reruns

Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose that God had
had an affair with a former worshiper.  The scandal was begun when a 21
year old woman, known only as Mary, claimed that she had given birth to
God's "only son" last week in a barn in the hamlet of Bethlehem.
Sources close to Mary claim that she "had loved God for a long time,"
that she was constantly talking about her relationship with God, and
that she was "thrilled to have had his child."  In a press conference
this morning, God issued a vehement denial, saying that "No sexual
relationship existed" and that "the facts of this story will come out
in time, verily."

Independent counsel Kenneth Beazulbub immediately filed a brief with
the Justice department to expand his investigation to cover questions
of whether any commandments may have been broken, and whether God had
illegally funneled laundered money to his illegitimate child through
three foreign operatives identified only as the "Wise Men".  Beazulbub
has issued subpoenas to several angels who are rumored to have acted as
go-betweens in the affair.  Critics have pointed out that these
allegations have little to do with the charges that Beazulbub was
originally appointed to investigate, that God had created large-scale
flooding in order to cover up evidence of a failed land deal.  In
recent months, Beazulbub's investigation has already been expanded to
cover questions surrounding the large number of locusts that plagued
God's political opponents in the last election, as well as to claims
that the giveaway of a parcel of public land in Promised County to a
Jewish special interest group was quid pro quo for political
contributions.  Some journalists have speculated that the destruction
of the cities of Sodom and Gommorah may have been to divert attention
away from God's political problems.

If these allegations prove to be true, this could be a huge blow to
God's career, much of which has been spent crusading for stricter moral
standards and harsher punishments for wrongdoers.  Known for his fiery
oratory, God has sometimes been criticized for his political theatrics,
as when he introduced the bill he styled "The Ten Commandments" by
appearing as a burning bush on the Senate floor.  Regardless of the
outcome of the investigation, however, it is unlikely that a sitting
God can be removed from power.  Most legal scholars are in agreement
that indicting God would constitute taking His name in vain.

--
From the RHF archives as selected by Brad Templeton, Maddi Hausmann and
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