Subject: Windows 95 a la Shakespeare
Date: Wed, 29 Nov 95 19:30:05 EST
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny

Found this on alt.os.windows95.crash.crash.crash from [email-masked]

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.  Your question was:

  O great Oracle, the one who sees all and knows all, please accept this
humble question from thy grovelling supplicant...

Why is Windows 95 Beta so bug-ridden it's not funny?  And in response,
thus spake the Oracle:

THE SCENE:  A dark antechamber of the Gates estate, dimly lit by three 20"
monitors suspended from the ceiling.  In the midle of the room is a
Pentium/100Hz, sheathed in a black casing.  Three programmers dance around
the machine, chanting horribly.  Their pale, clammy complexion is cast
hideously by the light of the monitors, rendered even more repugnant to
the watchful eye by the 60Hz flicker of the monitors.

FIRST PROGRAMMER:  Thrice the brinded net hath mewed.

SECOND PROGRAMMER: Thrice, and once the Warp-pig whined.

THIRD PROGRAMMER: MacHarpier cries.  'Tis time, 'tis time!

FIRST:  Round about the terminal go;
        In the poisoned upgrade throw.
        Code, which by a student done
        In minutes numbering sixty-one.
        Run-time error, protection fault,
        Crash ye first, crash ye shalt.

ALL [as they dance around the Pentium]:
        Double, double, toil and trouble;
        Tempers burn and data bubble.

SECOND:  Fillet of a Sound Card bake,
        In the Pentium no sound make;
        Point of arow, click of mouse,
        Scream of user, frightened spouse.
        OS/2's net use appeal,
        Steve Job's look and Wozniak's feel.
        For a charm of powerful trouble,
        Like a hell-broth boil and bubble.

ALL:  Double, double, toil and trouble;
        Tempers burn and data bubble.

THIRD: Click "Start" button, speed of slug,
        You would think you forgot the plug.
        Multitasking, ha ha ho
        If just one worked you'd be good to go.
        This should grab those straggling few
        Who aren't using DOS 6.22.
        Now we shall the Mac eclipse,
        While curse words cross our users' lips.
        Leave the errors in so we can fix
        And sell more...Windows 96!
        And so we will release the Beta
        For corruption of their data.

ALL:  Double, double, toil and trouble;
        Users buy, our profits double.

SECOND:  Compile it with errors through,
        Since the users have no clue.

[Enter BillGate to the other three programmers.]

BillGate: O well done!  I commend your pains,
        And everyone shall share i' the gains.
        And now about the program get,
        But NEVER use it on OUR net.
        Security is scarce put in.
                    [Beeps of PONG heard in the background.]
                    [Exit BillGate.]

SECOND WITCH:  By the usage of my UMBs
        Wicked Windows this way comes.
        Open locks,
        Whoever knocks!

[Fade to black.]

Remember, Obsolescence isn't an accident, it's an art form.

You owe the Oracle a signed, handwritten manuscript of MacBeth, and a copy
of the Windows upgrade for the P6.