Date: Thu, 31 Jul 1997 11:35:56 -0700 > >> Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a >> fire in the craft it sank -- proving once and for all that you can't >> have your kayak and heat it, too. >> >> Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood >> and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton >> fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, >> became known as the lesser of two weevils. >> >> A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles >> up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my >> paw." >> >> A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a >> beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge." >> >> Two atoms are walking down the street and they run in to each >> other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an >> electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive!" >> >> Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's >> novocaine during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental >> medication. >> >> A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel and were >> standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. >> After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked >> them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. >> "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open >> foyer." >> >> A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a >> hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit >> and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. >> One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the >> bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut >> extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with >> hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his >> regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a >> hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a >> hickory daiquiri, doc." >> >> ******************* Date: Mon, 15 Sep 1997 12:42:31 -0700 >> >- Hangover: The wrath of grapes. >> >> >- Income Tax: Capital punishment. >> >> >- A used car is not always what it's jacked up to be. >> >> >- "Sects! Sects! Sects!" said the first monk to the second. "Is that >> all you think about?" >> >> >- Two silkworms were in a race. They ended up in a tie. >> >> >- To my sweetheart: My cooking's gotten better since I fondue. >> >> >- A robber broke into the police station and stole all the toilet >> seats, and the police didn't have anything to go on. >> >> >- Middle Age: When actions creak louder than words. >> >> >- Egotist: One who is me-deep in conversation. Date: Wed, 17 Dec 1997 15:21:08 -0800 >> >>Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings >>from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out >>of security, he was captured only two blocks away when his Econoline van ran >>out of gas. When asked how he could have masterminded such a crime and >>then made such an obvious error, he replied (brace yourself . . . >>this is going to hurt): "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh" >> >>Bob Morin/Music Department/MiraCosta College/Oceanside, CA Two silkworms were in a race. They ended up in a tie. Archeologist: A person whose career lies in ruins. The Janitors Union went on strike demanding sweeping reforms. The Baker's Union, however, wanted more dough. If I were punished for every pun I shed, there would not be left a puny shed of my punnish head. -Samuel Johnson > Sent: Friday, July 31, 1998 11:48 AM > > NEW DICTIONARY > ------------------------------------ > Websters came out with a new dictionary to reflect the modern times > Here are a few highlight of what's inside > > ADULT: > A person who has stopped growing at both > ends and is now growing in the middle. > > BEAUTY PARLOR: > A place where women curl up and dye. > > CANNIBAL: > Someone who is fed up with people. > > CHICKENS: > The only animals you eat before they are born > and after they are dead. > > COMMITTEE: > A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours. > > GOSSIP: > A person who will never tell a lie if the > truth will do more damage. > > HANDKERCHIEF: > Cold Storage. > > INFLATION: > Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. > > MYTH: > A female moth. > > MOSQUITO: > An insect that makes you like flies better. > > RAISIN: > Grape with a sunburn. > > SECRET: > Something you tell to one person at a time. > > YAWN: > An honest opinion openly expressed. > > WRINKLES: > Something other people have. You have character lines. > > TOMORROW: > One of the greatest labor saving devices of today. 00.oct.13 1. A vulture boards an airplane carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at it and says "I'm sorry, only one carrion allowed per passenger". 5. A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw." 8. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal." 9. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone preferred to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of the business. They ignored her too. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars. 10. And finally, there was the person who emailed ten different puns to friends, in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did. My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned ... couldn't concentrate. Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax. After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting. Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in. I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income. I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining. So then I got a job in a gymnasium ,but they said I wasn't fit for the job. I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it. SO I RETIRED, AND I FOUND I AM A PERFECT FIT FOR THE JOB! ---- Something to Groan About [via email, 2012.Apr.28] ********************************************* I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now. When chemists die, they barium. Jokes about German sausage are the wurst. I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me. She said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down. I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words. They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O. PMS jokes aren't funny, period. Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations. We are going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz. I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me. Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils? When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble. Broken pencils are pointless. I tried to catch some fog, but I mist. What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus. England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool. I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest. I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx. All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on. I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough. Haunted French pancakes give me the creepes. A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy Venison for dinner again? Oh deer! The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.