Subject: God doesn't f*** with the universe.
From: [email-masked] (Robert Mokry)
Date: 8 Mar 1994 20:21:22 GMT
Newsgroups: alt.atheism.satire

In article <[email-masked]> [email-masked] (Tony Lezard) writes:
>I have created the new newsgroup alt.atheism.satire, for humour and satire
>related to atheism. Enjoy!

Well, then let me be one of the first to post.  Here's something I wrote
that appeared in rec.humor.funny about 3.5 years ago:

=======

I am forever astonished by how many mistakes could be avoided if
people would just think about what they are saying.  This is
especially the case in religion.  An example of this is the assumption
that God is male.  Obviously God is a woman, because God doesn't have
a penis.  The proof of this is by omission: nowhere in the Bible is
there a reference to the "Divine Penis," and I am sure that if God
were a man He would talk about it somewhere.  No real man could go on
for hundreds of pages about himself without mentioning that thing once
or twice.

Upon remarking on the above observation, I was notified by someone
that he heard the oath "by the infinite dick of God" around Caltech,
though "semi-infinite" would be more precise.  Unfortunately, this
further muddles the issue.  I am thankful that the ancient theologians
did not realize this point, otherwise they would have wasted much time
in debating this actually nonexistent part of God.  I can see it all
now...

During the fall of Rome, St.Augustine referred to "God's mighty male
member, wider than the Coliseum, more powerful than Zeus's tool, able
to take Athena in a single bound."  Then in the middle ages, Thomas
Aquinas, in an attempt to reconcile St.Augustine's remark with the
rediscovered writings of Zeno, declared that the length of God's
immense organ must be semi-infinite.  But then Rene Descartes, after
spending a lifetime in philosophical thought, stated that since God is
greater than that which can be conceived, God's measureless
masculinity must be truly infinite, because an infinite length is much
longer (in fact, infinitely longer) than a semi-infinite length.
However, the followers of Aquinas immediatedly countered with a simple
argument: "If God's tree is infinite, then what holds it up?
Certainly one end of God's tremendous tree must be firmly rooted in
His loins."  Also, a minor philosopher (whose name I forget, but who
liked perfect islands) argued "If God's monument to life were infinite
then there must be a fig leaf whose extent is also infinite.  But then
there is something infinite that is not part of God, which contradicts
the assumption that God is the greatest.  The only solution is that
God's rod must be semi-infinite, so that He can hide it by turning His
back to the world and looking over His shoulder."  Since both sides
had such valid points, for a while the discussion reached a stalemate.
Then the great German philosopher Hegel attempted to reconcile the
issue with his sword-plowshare theory, where he proposed that the
infinite and semi-infinite are actually two manifestations of the same
thing.  This theory gained great popularity, but it didn't really
solve anything primarily because no one could understand it.  Some
time afterwards, the rise of non-Euclidian geometry seemed to favor
the Cartesians when it showed that God's wondrous worm could be
infinite in this dimension, yet be attached to Him in a higher
dimension.  However this solution was not totally satisfactory either,
because then there isn't a preferred direction to God's protrusion in
this dimension.  The answer to the debate had to wait till the
beginning of the 20th century, when Georg Cantor, attempting to cope
with his strict religious upbringing, proved that a semi-infinite
member is just as long as an infinite member; therefore God's member
may be semi-infinite and yet be no shorter than an infinite member.
Cantor's colleagues ridiculed him by showing that his theorems also
proved that a finite real dimension is commensurable with an infinite
one, thus "proving" that anyone's piddling plow is just as long as God's
prodigious pecker.  This paradox was solved only with the advent of
quantum theory, which demonstrated that the real world corresponds to
the set of integers rather than the set of reals.  In that case
Cantor's theory showed that the finite phallus was infact infinitely
shorter than the infinite one, though the theory still retained the
property of the commensurability between the infinite and the
semi-infinite.  So today mathematicians agree that Cantor was correct,
finally and conclusively demolishing the central argument of the
Cartesian theory.

Thus we see that if St.Augustine had thought about the nature of God's
member, only after several centuries of the application of logic and
mathematics and physics would a definite answer be reached.  And even
then the answer would be wrong, because the very basis of the argument
is nonexistent.  For the reason described at the beginning of this
treatise, we the faithful know that by simply examining the Word of
God it is obvious that any discussion in this area is meaningless,
since God hath no member.

Robert Mokry

========

And finally one of the email responses I got to the above article.  
(Author's name withheld because I'm a nice person :)

> If you are going to write offensive articles like that, put them
> in rot13 then I don't have to read any of them. It wasn't even
> remotely funny. I suggest you go and see a psychiatrist you
> loathsome reptile.