Subject: Warning signs of insanity...
From: [email-masked]
Date: Wed, 26 Jun 96 19:30:01 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny

Join the Funny Pages Mailing List - Email [email-masked]

                         The Warning Signs Of Insanity
                    ---------------------------------------

 1. Your friends tell you that you have been acting strange lately,
    and then you hit them several times with a sledgehammer.
 2. Everyone you meet appears to have tentacles growing out of places
    that you wouldn't expect tentacles to be growing from.
 3. You start out each morning with a 30-minute jog around the
    bathroom.
 4. You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she
    sends you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.
 5. Every time you see a street sign, you have a tremendous urge to
    relieve yourself on it.
 6. You wear your boxers on your head because you heard it will ward
    off evil dandruff spirits.
 7. You're always having to apologize to your next door neighbor for
    setting fire to his lawn decorations.
 8. Every commercial you hear on the radio reminds you of death.
 9. People stay away from you whenever they hear you howl.
10. Your breath smells more and more like squirrel dung each passing
    day.
11. You laugh out loud during funerals.
12. When your doctor tells you to say ah, you yell out "RAPE! RAPE!"
13. Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you
    through that scuba mask.
14. You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you've
    stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going
    to one day seek revenge.
15. You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.
16. Your father pretends you don't exist, just to play along with
    your little illusion.
17. You collect dead windowsill flies.
18. Everytime the phone rings, you shout, "Hey! An angel just got
    its wings!"
19. You like cats.  Especially with mayo.
20. You scream "I've got a knife!" to people who try to sell you
    things.
21. You scream "I've got a knife!" to people at your family reunion.
22. You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island,
    because they weren't rescued.
23. You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch.
24. Whenever you listen to the radio, the music sounds backwards.
25. You have a predominant fear of fabric softener.
26. You wake up each morning and find yourself sitting on your head
    in the middle of your front lawn.
27, Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name
    etched on it, and you tell him it's for security reasons.
28. Melba toast excites you.
29. When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another
    room to tell him, because "the napkins have ears."
30. You tend to agree with everything your mother's dead uncle tells
    you.
31. Every time you see the commercial for the Hair Club For Men, you
    think to yourself, "I think I'll kill the pope today."
32. You call up random people and ask if you can borrow their dog,
    just for a few minutes.
33. Your main goal in life is to become the president of Bulemia.
34. Nearly everything you say involves the word, "P-toing!"
35. You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a
    koala or to be loved by an infectious disease.
36. You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and
    pretend that you're a stalk.
37. You think that exploding wouldn't be so bad, once you got used
    to it.
38. You try to make a list of the Warning Signs of Insanity. (cough)
39. People offer you help, but you unfortunately interpret this as a
    violation of your rights as a boysenberry.
40. You like reading lists like this. :)

--
Selected by Jim Griffith.  MAIL your joke to [email-masked].
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  A Daemon will auto-reply.
If you don't need an auto-reply, submit to [email-masked] instead.
For the full submission guidelines, see http://comedy.clari.net/rhf/

Administrative note:

"The Jean-Paul Sartre Cookbook" was reportedly written by Alastair
Sutherland and published in the "Free Agent" on March, 1987, reprinted
in the "Utne Reader" Nov/Dec 1993.  Thanks to Mark E. Mallett ([email-masked])
and Paul Dembiczak ([email-masked]) for crediting it - ed.