Subject: Perverse Guide to Jobhunting
From: [email-masked] (Alan R Meiss)
Date: Tue, 20 Sep 94 19:30:04 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny

The Perverse Guide to Getting Hired
by Alan Meiss, [email-masked]

Chapter 1 - The Resume
 
     Your resume is a crucial document that summarizes the 
essence of your being to a potential employer.  You must grab 
a personnel director's attention with your sheer, overpowering 
wonderfulness, or your vitae will wind up lining the bottom of 
her parakeet's cage.  Write a boring resume and you might as well 
run down now and join the other unemployed grads behind the 
appliance store, fighting for the choicest refigerator carton to 
live in.  

     To grab an employer's jaded eye you must create the written 
equivalent of a banshee wail!  Print your resume on hunter's 
orange paper, so it nearly leaps out of the stack.  Experiment 
with striking fonts, and use as many as possible.  Writing your 
name in 2 inch high 3-D Western style letters at the top says 
"Check ME out! I'm no shrinking violet!"  Sprinkle a bit of your 
most sensual cologne on the sheet, and ladies, be sure to add a 
good lipstick smooch mark at the bottom.  Don't forget your 
picture, too!  Be sure and staple several of your best 8x10 
glossies from Glamor Shots on top.

     Now that you've achieved that visceral "oomph", it's time to 
polish the contents to bring out or even invent your positive 
qualities.  Remember, a skilled wordsmith can transform any 
qualification or attribute, no matter how trifling, into a 
salable skill.  Let's look at some examples of putting the best 
"spin" on a job seeker's skills:

>> "I flipped burgers for three weeks at Lardee's."
 
     A mere burger flipper?  Why sell yourself so short?  
Describe yourself as a "Grill Coordinator", or perhaps a 
"Culinary Technician".
 
>> "I subbed in for my nephew's paper route one weekend."
 
     Ah!  So you were previously employed in "Communication 
Services!"  Describe yourself as a "Journalism Representative."
 
>> "I spent the last five years sitting on a couch eating Cheetos 
   and watching Charlie's Angels reruns."
 
     You can transform the pathetic into the energetic by 
referring to yourself as a "Consumer Broadcasting Specialist."  
Let them know how much time you've wisely invested in "Popular 
Drama Studies."
 
>> "I worked in telemarketing."
 
     Die you scumbag.
 
>> "I like to drink 3 or 4 bottles of Night Train wine and pass out 
    in a puddle of my own urine."
 
     I see!  An "Alternative Hygiene Researcher" who throws 
themselves into their work!

     Always remember to use active, "can-do" language in your 
resume, and be sure to include as many of the following terms as 
possible:
 
     1) Excellence (can't get enough of this one!)
     2) Goal-oriented
     3) Forward-thinking
     4) Like Working with People (as opposed to zoo animals)
     5) Striving (everyone likes a striver!)
 
It may be useful to define these as keyboard macros immediately.

Chapter 2 - The Interview
 
     So now you've got that big chance to shine in person.  Once 
again, you've got to stand out from the crowd!  First, consider 
your apparel carefully.  Gold lame harem pants will leave a 
lasting impression, as will a nice fish or penis tie, available 
in classier novelty stores.  Make these items staples of your 
professional wardrobe.  Next, practice that handshake, and 
consider adding a little thumb twist manuever or a good high-
five.  And remember, no one likes shaking dry, chapped hands, so 
make sure yours are damp when you leave the restroom.  Now jump 
right in, and distinguish yourself with your first words.  Here's 
some suggestions for opening lines:
 
"The voices told me I'm perfect for this job."
"I can make an impressive incendiary device from just your tie, 
 that pen, and a quart of anti-freeze."
"Maybe you can't tell, but I'm not wearing any underwear."
"Let's make this fast, I'm late for my medication."
"The foil wrapped around my head is to block out invisible rays."
"I was once abducted by a UFO, and the aliens let me pilot their starship."
"I brought my invisible friend, is that okay?"
"I have the gift of second sight, and if you step on Flight 109, 
 it will be your last!"
 
     Now that you've made a big impression, make sure you'll have 
plenty of time to expound upon your finer qualities.  Consider 
handcuffing yourself to the interviewer's desk, or perhaps smear 
super-glue on your hand and grab the interviewer while shouting
"Wonder twin powers, activate!"

     Conclude the interview as notably as you began it.  A 
gratuity is always welcome, so palm the interviewer a crisp new 
dollar in the closing handshake while saying "Guess Mr. 
Washington and I have this job wrapped up, huh? (wink, wink)"
And certainly don't forget the follow-up!  Unless a restraining 
order has been obtained by the employer, call collect every hour 
thereafter to remind them of your sincerity.