From: [email-masked] (agu)
To: [email-masked], [email-masked], [email-masked], [email-masked], [email-masked]
Date: Tue, 7 Feb 1995 09:19:51 -0800

[From [email-masked]]

   The following is an e-mail I sent to Newt Gingrich, in the
wake of the discovery of his comments on the biological urge of
men to "hunt giraffes" and to wallow in ditches "like little
piglets":

To: [email-masked]
>From: [email-masked] (John M. Scalzi, II)
Subject: Giraffe Poll by Journalist.

Dear Mr. Gingrich:

   My name is John Scalzi, and I am a columnist for the Fresno
Bee in Fresno, California. In the days since the unearthing of
your comments about men, women, combat, and the biological drive
for men to hunt giraffes, I have taken it upon myself to conduct
a poll to see whether that innate giraffe-hunting urge (and the
little piglet wallowing urge) is in fact alive and well in the
average American male.

   While the sample polled is statistically small (50 men,
basically whomever was handy at the time) and largely comprised
of white, college-educated, gainfully employed males, I
nevertheless feel that the information gleaned from this poll
will be of some value to someone, somewhere, some time. Perhaps
you yourself, should the subject of instinctual giraffe
slaughtering come up again. Certainly for me, as it takes up the
bulk of my column, to be published this Wednesday, January 25.

   Thank you for your time, and happy hunting and/or wallowing,
whichever the case may be.

1. Have you ever hunted a giraffe?
        Yes:  0%
        No: 100%

2. Have you ever had the urge to hunt a giraffe?
        Yes:  4%
        No:  96%

3. Provided the right tools and the time, would you hunt a
giraffe?
        Yes:  8%
        No:  92%

4. If not a giraffe, would you hunt another African savannah
animal?
        Yes: 20%
        No:  80%

5. If you had to hunt an African savannah animal, which of the
following would you choose?
        a) Zebra: 2%
        b) Rhino: 6%
        c) Meerkat: 12%
        d) Boar: 42%
        e) Any creature that appeared in "The Lion King": 36%

6. Do you think giraffe would taste like chicken?
        Yes: 38%
        No:  62%

7. Might it not make more sense not to hunt giraffe, but rather
to set up giraffe ranches?
        Yes: 92%
        No:   8%

8. When you see Geoffrey, the Toys 'R' Us giraffe, do you ever
get the urge to stick him with a spear?
        Yes: 40%
        No:  60%

9. Do you expect that Newt Gingrich has ever had the urge to
hunt a giraffe?
        Yes: 74%
        No:  26%

10. If Newt Gingrich were to hunt a giraffe, would he use tools,
or simply his own mouth?
        Tools: 48%
        Mouth: 52%

11. Would you rather hunt a giraffe, or wallow in a ditch like a
little piglet?
        Hunt:   30%
        Wallow: 70%

12. Would you generally describe yourself as a little piglet?
        Yes: 22%
        No:  78%

13. Would you describe Newt Gingrich as a little piglet?
        Yes: 54%
        No:  46%

14. If you could, would you hunt Newt Gingrich?
        Yes: 58%
        No:  42%

15. Would Newt Gingrich taste like chicken?
        Yes: 18%
        No:  82%

c.1995 John Scalzi

John M. Scalzi, II